Monday, June 2, 2014

Over the rainbow

Today is 5 years since I started this blog. 5 years, 2 weeks and 1 day since that terrible day in 2009. 5 years, 4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days since my first miscarriage. It’s also 4 years, 2 weeks and 0 days since the birth of W. 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since my last miscarriage. 9 months, 3 weeks and 5 days since baby B was born.

I think it’s safe to say that our story has a happy ending. We are done having kids and are in the process of making that final. I know there are no guarantees in life, but my journey through pregnancies and miscarriages is over. I will not have another miscarriage. My mom said to me a while ago, “Aren’t you relieved you don’t have to go through that again?” And I am.

This is the end of my blog. I’m leaving it up, but this isn’t a mommy blog (obviously.. the last update is Baby B’s birth). My boys are happy and healthy and funny and sweet. I have a charmed life now.

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Almost every night, I tell W how much I love him. It’s like a mantra that I whisper to him at bedtime. He has started asking me about it as only a 4 year old can.

“What if you didn’t have me, Mommy. Would you still love me?” “What if you had another little boy? Would you love him?”

How do you answer that? I almost didn’t have you. I almost had a different little boy. I would love him very very much. I wouldn’t have known about you.

I tell him that I think he is amazing and I’m grateful to be his mommy. I’ll always love him no matter what.

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Even though the journey was filled with terrible days (and weeks and months), I wouldn’t change it. I’m lucky to have some through on the other side. Thank you for being there for me.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Baby B's Birth Story

We took W to daycare as usual that morning. He knew we were having the baby that day, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to him. My mom spent the night and that had W excited. I cried when we said goodbye to him. It was the last time I would see him as my little baby boy!

We got to the hospital at 8. I checked in at the front desk and the offered to take me up in a wheelchair. I declined. I wasn’t having any kinds of contractions or anything. I felt wonderful.  It seemed quiet in labor and delivery. I went back to a pre-op/monitoring room. It had 3 beds and was completely different from the standard labor room. I changed my clothes and got into my bed. They hooked me up to the regular baby monitor and contraction monitor. I wasn’t having any contractions. The baby’s heart rate was around 130, but it would go as high as 160 when it moved around (which was happening a lot). I felt pretty calm. I had an excited feeling, but I really couldn’t believe that in just a few hours we would have a baby. I also couldn’t believe that in just a few hours I would be laying on a bed unable to move for several days. It’s weird to just walk into a situation like that when technically there is nothing wrong with you.

I had my IV put in (the first try was a bust, so it ended up in the side of my hand) and then I remembered to tell the nurse about my cord blood donation kit. I needed to get some blood drawn for that and I was upset that I didn’t remember that I needed it when they were first drawing blood. I had lots of people come in to talk to me including the anesthesiologist, the PA and a few nurses. I had to drink the gross drink. It looked like I was drinking something from a K-cup and it was just as gross as I remembered. M’s parents arrived at the hospital and he went out to see them and let them know how things were going. Time went pretty fast in the pre-op room. The doctor came in to see me and we talked about the surgery. She offered to check my cervix before we went in, but I didn’t want to do it. It would be uncomfortable and wouldn’t change what we were about to do. She agreed. She said that if I was having contractions, she would check and possible even see if they could get labor started by breaking my water, but nothing was going on with me. M got dressed in scrubs that were 100 times too big for him.

I went into the OR at 10:05. I walked there by myself. M had to stay in the pre-op room. The nurses helped me sit up on the table and I leaned over for the spinal block. The block is just one shot into your spine that will numb you for several hours. It is totally different from the epidural. It also took a while to get set up. The anesthesiologist had a student with him and she spent a long time trying to find the exact right spot. I felt lots of tapping on my back. I also heard a lot of teaching. I started to get nervous because I had a student do my epidural with W and that one didn’t work out too well, especially in the OR. But then the doctor took over. First they injected me with something to numb my back. That stung. It was like an electric impulse up my spine. I felt that a few times. I didn’t feel the actual shot after that. The nurses helped me lay down and they started with all the prep. My arms were strapped down, I had monitors placed on my chest and some sort of monitor on my forehead (perhaps temperature?). I got some oxygen, too. I could slowly feel that my legs were going numb. A billion people (or 8-10) came into the room without me really caring. I was just waiting for M. I kept looking at the door. He finally came in and sat next to me. The anesthesiologist started asking me questions like “did you feel that?” and I said no. Apparently, the doctor had just pinched me with all her might. I was thrilled that I couldn’t feel it, because I had felt it with my first c-section!

The surgery started and I didn’t really notice. We listened to them talk, but mostly M and I just looked at each other.  We couldn’t really understand what the doctors were talking about. I eventually heard them say, “clear fluid” and I started to get very excited. Then I heard them say, “big baby” and “double nuchal.” Then they told me I would feel pressure. Someone pressed on the top of my belly and then I heard the cry. I couldn’t stop crying. They held the baby up and everyone was shouting “It’s a boy!!”  I could only see the bottom half of him and he was definitely a boy!! M went over to look at him and take pictures while I laid there and cried some more. I heard them say his apgars were 9 and 9. M brought the camera to show me pictures. We were thrilled that he had a perfect little amount of hair.

We finally said his name out loud and it fit him perfectly.

M got to hold him after about 10 minutes. We spent the rest of the surgery just looking at him and taking pictures. I couldn’t feel much of the sewing up. It felt like someone was running their fingers up and down the sides of my body. I felt nothing in the middle. Then we heard them counting supplies (like pieces of gauze!) and knew it was almost over. I got moved to my new bed.

M placed Baby B in my arms and we were wheeled back into the pre-op room. M went to get our parents. The nurses told me it was a good time to try to nurse. The little guy latched on like a pro! It didn’t last long, though. Soon the grandmothers came rushing in. MIL said immediately, “It’s a boy!!!” She said he looked so much like W that she knew right away. They both held him and cried. Then my dad showed up unexpectedly. He told us all he would be down in the afternoon. I was happy to see him earlier! While they were taking in the baby, the nurses pushed on my belly and did a few more checks on things.

The doctor came in to see me. She said that everything went very well. I thanked her! Then she told me that the cord had been wrapped around Baby B's neck twice. That was what she was saying when we heard “double nuchal.” It might have been fine, but it also might have meant that he never would have descended properly and we very easily could have ended up in the OR after labor anyway. I think that may be the reason he never really dropped.

At some point, I had Baby B back and the nursery came in to take him away for his bath and all the official stuff they need to do. I asked for 15 more minutes so I could try to nurse him again. This time we had some calm in the room and he did a good job. They came to take him and we waited in the prep room for my post partum room.

Some notes from Post-Partum:

In recovery, I had blood oxygen monitor on my toe and the IV in the side of my hand. I also had on the compression boots. My catheter bag was hanging from the side of my bed. They eventually moved the oxygen monitor to my left pointer finger. It was a lot going on. I asked every time I saw a nurse when that stuff would be gone. The boots were gone the next morning. Same with the oxygen monitor. The IV came out after I was up and moving around - the port didn't come out until after I saw my doctor and asked to have it removed. The catheter came out after about 24 hours.

Our first baby nurse was amazing. It took a very long time for Baby B to come back from the nursery. When he finally got back to our room, the baby nurse kindly told them all that she needed us alone for a few minutes. She told us that she does that for everyone! She settled Baby B with me and got us nursing again. She talked to us briefly about the nursery and said when she would be back to get him (around 11 pm). Then she just waited until we were ready for the family before she left. That was really nice. I would have had a hard time telling everyone they had to leave so we could try nursing, but it was exactly what we needed.

One thing that didn’t happen before - As I nursed, I could feel the little contractions. I also had gushes of blood as soon as he latched on. That made me feel pretty good about myself. At least my body seemed to cooperate with nursing!

The nurses leave you alone a lot more when it is your second baby. My nurse came in every 3 hours during the day and vital signs came in every so often, but they only came when I called them at night. Every time I would see the night nurse, she would say, “call me when you wake up” and she would do medicine and vital signs at the same time. That made our sleep so much better! We also would call the nursery after we fed the baby. They weighed all the babies at midnight, so when we woke up around then, we would nurse and then call them to come get him.

I was moving around and out of bed so much faster this time. I didn't have any trauma "down there" so peeing was no problem.

I had my MIL bring me an activia yogurt every day and I didn't eat anything that would stop me up. M brought me fruit from the cafeteria. I pooped while I was still in the hospital! I was so excited. I called my mom.

We had some issues with my milk coming in. I expected that because it happened last time. I started asking for a supplemental nursing system when I noticed the signs. Baby B was crying after nursing and still rooting. He also wasn't peeing very much. Also, I knew I didn't have any milk in there. The nurse gave me a hard time. They kept saying "c-section moms take longer to get their milk." Meanwhile, my baby was hungry and getting dehyrated. I kept insisting they bring the SNS into the room so we could use it overnight without having to wait for a nurse to bring it (this was around dinner time). Eventually, they agreed. We used it once and he drank about 10 mL and was a much happier baby!! When he went back for his midnight weight check, they told us that he had lost 10% of his weight and we should continue with the SNS. I wanted to scream at them. No shit! I don't understand the reasoning - C-section moms take longer to get their milk, so your baby has to be hungry. Do they tell formula feeding moms to give their babies empty bottles? Do they tell natural birth moms to just not feed their baby? NO. So I got pissed off, but not as bad as we did with W's nurses because we knew what we needed and we stood up for ourselves. And we had much more sleep.

I ended up staying in the hospital for the full 4 nights. We were ready to go on Saturday. B had his discharge papers and we were just waiting for me. The nurse came in to take one last set of vitals and my blood pressure was super high. Like 140/100. I'm usually at 118/70. I rested and laid down and thought calm thoughts and they took it again. Still high. So I had blood taken and my doctor told me we had to stay another night. I had signs of pre-enclampsia. I didn't know you could that after birth. I was afraid because the only cure is to birth the baby and I already did that! Turns out I just had to be on blood pressure medication.

Staying in the hospital so long was not as bad as last time because we were left alone so much. The sleeping wasn't great and M hated sleeping in the fold out chair. However. This time I was missing W. he spent the entire time with his grandparents. It was hard for him to come and see us in the hospital. He would get really hyper and we could tell he was afraid. We think he thought we abandoned him. I missed him so much. An hour a day with him was just not enough. It seemed like I was crying whenever I was alone. That worried the nurses, but once I explained they understood. He recently spent the night at MIL's and asked me if we were going back to the hospital.

Recovery was both easier and harder. I was more rested so everything went quicker. I was able to shower by myself (although my mom was right there with me). Walking around happened faster. I did still have a lot of pain. The worst was in the evening of the second day. My nurse was checking the size of my uterus and I just screamed out in pain (I was also very tired - I barely slept at all the first night). At home, I had my mom get me an abdominal binder. The belly is worse than last time. It is floppy and bigger and just hanging out there. I had back pain for a long time and I couldn't walk far without a rest. The binder was a huge help. I wore it for about 3 weeks (not while sitting or sleeping).

I slept with towels supporting my back and my jelly belly for a week. Then I kept sleeping with a towel holding up my belly for another 2 weeks.

My milk came in around day 6. I used the SNS until then. When the milk came in, I caught a glimpse of myself in our huge bathroom mirror. It was scary. I had my steri-strips from the surgery, my gross jelly belly and two huge boobs that were kind of blue. I also couldn't really stand up straight. I looked and felt terrible. I cried.

Now I am doing well. Baby B is a great sleeper (although my boobs have not adjusted to him sleeping longer at night). W is adjusting pretty well. He's sitting next to me now and cuddling. I still have the stupid jelly belly, but it is getting firmer and I need to keep reminding myself that it has only been a few weeks! I started pumping at 3 weeks and we gave B his first bottle. He did really well.



Wednesday, August 7, 2013

It's a boy!!

Our little man is here. Absolutely perfect. The surgery went smoothly and he's sleeping on my chest now. He's not too into breast feeding, but we'll keep trying. No worries yet. 
7 lb, 14 oz
19.5 in long
And a fuzzy little head. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

One more wake up

I will be at the hospital in 11 hours. I don't really know what to think! I've cried several times today as the idea has sunk in. It's so surreal. In just a few hours I will meet someone that I will love forever. 

I'm pretty speechless. 

I finished all of my cleaning and then found more to clean. Then I got a pedicure and took a nap. Today was a great day. 

We still haven't packed the hospital bag, but the list is sitting next to it along with my cord blood donation kit. 

I'll update tomorrow as soon as I can! 


Monday, August 5, 2013

39 Weeks and 2 days left

I'm home today! Maternity leave is awesome. I finished up everything at work on Friday and passed off everything I had. Then I walked out of the door and felt like dancing. I might have danced a little. I feel weird not being at work right now and I feel weird because I dropped W off at daycare at 8:45 and now I'm spending a few hours just uploading pictures from the camera and making sure everything is backed up to our online photo storage. But these are VERY important things. I never get to sit and just do this. 

I still have 5 rooms to clean until the house is 100% ready (and when I say 5 rooms, I'm including things like hallways and the laundry room - I like to check things off lists!). 

Last night around 8 pm I was settled on the couch when I had a contraction. No big deal. Then 15 minutes later, I had another one. So I decided to download a timer app and see how things went. After the 4th one, I told M what was happening. We decided if they were still going around 9:45, we would call his mom and let her know. I had several good long contractions, about 8 minutes apart, until I decided to go pee around 9. And they stopped completely. I felt a little let down. But not too let down... I still have to clean those rooms! And I had been looking forward to my 2 days to myself at home. 

M decided to sleep in a little today. We usually wake up at 5:20, so we slept in to 6:30. He wants to make sure we are well rested in case we have to go to the hospital. I like this plan, too! When M went to work this morning, he left me every phone number of every person in his office just in case he steps away from his desk. I think I'll be fine. 

Here's something I've been wanting to show off for a while: 



Check these suckers out!! They are awesome. Laura sent these burp cloths to me a while ago and I love them. They are at the top of the pile - a few upstairs and a few downstairs. I love the colors and everything about them. Thank you Laura!!!


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The last appointment.

I was awake for three hours Tuesday night and spent a lot of that time enjoying the baby moving and reading. I also spent a lot of time wishing I could go back to sleep. During the awake time, I had several contractions. Most of them were BH contractions, I'm sure. But a few actually hurt a little. Like period cramps, but not as bad (and my cramps are never anything bad). 

I figured I'd have a little more progress at my appointment yesterday. Mainly I was hoping the cervical check wouldn't hurt as bad. 

Well, it still hurt. My cervix is still behind the baby. But now I am 3.5 cm, 60% effaced and the baby is at a -2 station. M is totally freaked out and thinks we could have the baby at any minute. I am less sure. But maybe we will go into labor on our own... It seems a little more possible now. 

Monday, July 29, 2013

38 weeks and the grossest ever

I thought I was gross a few weeks ago when I posted about the tiny fungal infection I had on my underbelly. But now I am infinitely grosser. I now have a raging itchy rash on each of my boobs. It is only soothed with the anti fungal creme. I just can't stop the sweating in there. I use gold bond powder and I've even been putting paper towels in between. I'm so happy the weather is getting better. I stopped wearing my comfortable bras and now I'm back to wearing the ones that separate the girls a little more. I'm trying to ignore the reason I stopped wearing these... Too small. Oh well. 

We are pretty much ready. Everything is set up. My bag is sort of packed. Car seats are in. I bought an enema today so I'll be ready when we come home. 

Super embarrassing. 

My appointment on Wednesday was 
uneventful, which means it was great. I'm at 2 cm, still very high and still posterior. The doctor is pretty sure they'll see me this Wednesday. I think we've made some more progress this week. I can feel the baby lower than before and I think I might have had a real contraction over the weekend. 

I've been dealing with lots of feelings the past week and normally I'd let them all out here. However, my office is starting an Internet policy and I need to be careful about what I do there now. That limits my blogging time! Now I have to do it all from my phone! 

The feelings are the normal ones that we start to feel now. The baby was pretty quiet on Sunday and I got a little scared. It was plenty crazy today so I'm calmer now. I'm worried about my relationship with W immediately after the baby. I want to just hold him and snuggle as much as I can before the surgery. It doesn't work well with a three year old, though. I'm trying to do as much as I can with him (mostly reading) and trying to explain that the baby is coming soon. We are making a countdown calendar tonight. 

4 more days of work. 
9 more wake ups until the baby is here.